It’s become apparent that am waiting for my life to start. I haven’t always waited. I haven’t always sat, made lists, planned and hoped, and looked on as the one day buzzed off into the darkness only to be replaced by another one and another one, and sometimes just rain all weekend. This is a new me (no smiley face or !). Somehow mid way through my fun, busy, fulfilled – whether be it with laughter, tears, complaints or emotional roller coasters or just mind bending ideas – I have recently taken to life’s park bench, uncrossed my legs and crossed them again, daylight through night time again and again, waiting for my life to start or more accurately, waiting my life to go on just as it used to, even better than it used to.
I wake up in the morning, my boyfriend’s alarm clock goes off, I realise it’s 5:30 and I go, “fuck it, I never was a morning person”. I could try it out now, become a morning person, considering that the only reason i wasn’t always a morning person is none existent today. i had an illness, I got cured of it – a prescription am not so quick to share. I now sleep 8 hours almost every night but i will still insist, every morning, on ‘getting my precious morning sleep’. It once was precious. There was a time, for over 15 years when 5 am used be about the earliest i would have managed to sooth (say trick?) myself into sleep. so yes, 5:30 am was my precious sleep time and so was 6:30am and so was 7:30. Nowadays however, with no insomnia, I still insist on waking up at 7:30 am. One might say that old habits die hard, but what really does that statement support if it isn’t a lack of excitement in life and an absolute abandon.
I did up come with a strategy at some point (if you can rationalise it, it must be right!) a few months ago, to list everything i must do inside my head – the sticky notes were too yellow. A Must Do List for every today. The small and persistent problem with this strategy become that ‘Today’ would always pass, more like swoosh by. I came up with a counter strategy; I thought, “that’s alright, I will move what i haven’t been able to do Today- including things like, adjusting my bra straps – to Tonight”. Solutions(do you call them excuses?) are quick to come by when implementation is a procrastinate. ‘Tonight’ was to become my new’Today’. Again I thought, “that’s alright, I get home, have dinner, take a shower and everything that i wasn’t able to do Today, I will do it Tonight with absolute ease and diligence because that’s ‘what i had always done’, worked at night, done more than my than i imagined i could get done in one night, it would be supper easy; I can clean, dust my book shelf and finish today’s assignment tonight. I have always done that. But just like my 7:30 am wake up call, i was able to do all this magic at night because i was an insomniac and working through the night was mainly out of ‘what to do when you can’t sleep’. The new me is literally dozing off at 10am. sometimes am fast asleep before i have a chance to take a shower and i have to wake myself up (induce a nightmare)to go for a bath and proceed to continue my sleep.
This absolute abandon hasn’t affected my day job. Not that I know of at least. My very very new strategy is to blame this problem/lack of general interest in life, on my day job. (a)It is a new job, am still getting used to it, learning and it’s slowing me down … am waiting until i know everything about my job to recover my pace. (b) It is too easy. I can get everything done in three hours, but because i MUST appear that i am working from 9 to 5, i need to stretch out the work and this has disorganised my pace, my will to do more, like buy a bathroom rug. (c) It is my new life. I have a new life and i haven’t stopped to adjust to it. I have no new persona to fit perfectly this new me even when the new me has been new for the last three years.
“Should i make the lists then”, I think to myself when i am refusing to take any action like clean the refrigerator, or take some needed time and learn how to punctuate. “Should i have a large font poster in the Bathroom that lists; I must get a bicycle and learn to ride- finally, I should have learn’t to swim like two years ago when i chose a house by the pool, I shouldn’t stop going to the markets on Saturdays because i hate when i don’t have fresh vegetables, I need to continue using my late evenings and weekends(like the old me) to read rather than chose activities where ‘i don’t have to think’.”
But lists are for squares. Moms. The Beat it kind of girls… I am not a list-kind of girl. I never made lists and I would get everything done. I never planned and I lived a full life. I never sat in front of my computer and wrote about not doing anything. The old me is exactly the new me with a few differences like now am not doing any of the things i actually need to be doing like bake muffins and decorate them with nice little letters made out of blue icing.