My heart’s @ half-mast

went off into the wild for only days (4)
came back and finally i can sleep without a pill
It had gotten worse. I have no idea for this small
miracle, but for as long as i can rest my head and eyes
in an absolute darkness longer than just two hours
I have cause to celebrate the sunlight!

two nights ago I woke and crawled out of my covers to the bookshelf
with just a sheet wrapped around my, otherwise nothingness,
I pulled out my Qur’an. I needed to find that sura where God promises his believers
a number of 32 virgins upon their explosive entry into heaven

I want to say i read everything…. but I perused through most.
chapters and verses. Many I had not read before…

love, peace, kindness,- to strangers, the poor, spouses et al; heavenly rewards to the faithful, marriage and inheritance, adoption and childbirth, women….. God through his angel Gabriel speaks directly to me, to you, to every reader or listener of the message in the Qur’an. Vengeance is his, the heavenly bounty (paradise, the after life) is his, to award on the day of judgement. and never does he ask any one to go off to big and small cities blow up towering buildings
and plastic chairs, to smudge heads into beer mugs and praise the stench of fear and death in his holy name.

Not in any words I came across. no.

I want to say that I am lucky to not have been among the countless body parts at any of the spaces where the bomb exploded. I want praise the powers that hold the universe because no close relative or friend was announced dead or might facing amputation. I want to say that i was not personally affected by these issues and politics a headless chicken claimed the day after.
Yet I cannot. I fail to. I live in a city where her citizens and residents are either close friends or distant relatives. We Know no strangers, for they quickly become one of us- One drink and a great laugh later.

And besides, a distant cousin lost her fiance. Her devastation is something I can not even imagine. A boy, an old friend, some one I had known all my life (SHAUN, of club silk), was among the many… the many youths. the many Kampalans full of life and dreams and a big amount of happiness. Just like myself. I want to say that their death should not be in vain…. but I need to understand. why?. first.

Who is a suspicious stranger and what is a suspicious object, because these falsely veiled ‘jihadists’ are getting off on our every false alarm and the fear of death currently blown deep into our heads and hearts that we can no longer do that which comes naturally to us as Kampalans- be happy.
To meet at a pub to talk less and less about our unfulfilling jobs, the government that ignores us, but to refill our mugs of ‘hope that tomorrow’s better than today’, to meet new strangers and make new friends,
to hold meaningful tequila shot parties. To gather and worship in our all so various faiths. To watch boys watching girls watching football and eating TV chicken. To live as we always had…

…Until a man inside a cave too afraid to show his face to even the light of day, a man who knows not about our faiths and beliefs announces “when Kampala cries, I am happy”. (I’ve always suggested that these guys need proper speech writers!)

We are currently lost in a confusion of if there might be another one. awaiting another 74-84 young deaths.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Saf says:

    Mi amore, a great piece and good to get word on you and the state of things there now. Love, as messed up as it sounds – don’t let that fear control you… just like ‘sieze fear’ all over again. But indeed, it is the strongest msg you can send. Think SA, our lives are shackled in a state of fear due to violent crime – it is an eclipse of the mind and that is one of the clearest lessons of this world cup for south african. They stepped out, they enjoyed and they lived for one month in many years – and the only thing they discovered was each other – humanity, togetherness… Don’t let the criminals of this world steal that from the good people.
    My love, stay safe and stay alive in your mind…
    Mwah miss phoebilicious!!!!

  2. mphoebe says:

    thanks babe. and thank you for stopping by.

    -great point about South Africa stepping out of the shadow of fear for one long and big month!

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