Excerpt. Her e-mail to him
edited by phoebe M.
Enjoy New York, make it happen. I am proud of you blank. I am proud that
you are not just seated in a cushioned sofa talking about the world coming to an end. Discussing the ideal, what should/shouldn’t be done. You are actually going out and making a difference, trying to make the world, even if it is one square meter of the world, a better place.
Don’t ever forget this blank. Don’t ever get carried away and
forget what you are really about, what your cause is.
I am your best friend, and I love you.
I care deeply about you. I worry that you work
too much sometimes. that you are growing up so fast and missing on
the luxuries of being young and enjoying your life—-am not talking about
about sex, alcohol and drugs.
But i want you to work with me on this one.
I want you to do things for yourself then for other people. I don’t
want you to put me first. I can’t come first. You come first in your life blank.
That is a fact I learnt earlier on in life. It is not about being selfish
or self centred. it is that when you get screwed over, or
disappointed, or when things dont go the way you wanted them to go.
you dont crush and burn.
This is my life, it is how i live. It is survival instinct. it is why
i was so chill during that episode of my life (when we met). Everything and everyone was
going so wrong.
You had no idea, when we met, that i was losing my mind. No one did.
Not even the people i lived with. I was watching an opportunity melt
way. My fat, big, opportunity. slowly like candle wax. Every body told me i had gone about my
situation the wrong way. I had no way out.
Still, I laughed, i went out, kept my friends, and made a few more (a.k.a you).
I did cry . Many times, I cried. For hours. In public places sometimes. Uncontrollable tears running down where no one but I could see them.
I had lost both, almost.
Temporary happiness – in the man I had told I loved, who had told me he loved me, and did actually, but had also, later on, announced his future plans. The plans he had made long before we met. Before he met me. before I met him. (many times, love, whether true or pretended, isn’t enough. It doesn’t make the world go round. sometimes.)
I was losing long term happiness. The opportunity to further my career. I was watching that drop, just like the strands of my hair. I didn’t stop pushing. I couldn’t. I didn’t stop trying to make it happen. and I also didn’t stop loving him and i didn’t try and push him away (I did try to push him away. in my head).
For myself. For me.
I needed someone during this time. Some one I loved and was sure loved me back. some one who wouldn’t feel used by me during this time. one without expectations. I needed him. Him with plans.
So I called him back, kept him around, I needed him around. He stayed around because he understood that i needed him. Not to talk, not to hold my hand, not to get physical. Or may be to do just that; talk, hold my hand, get physical. But mainly, to just be. Sometimes, many times actually, that is all I need.
I need some one to be there. And he was. He took care of me,
in his own way. He continued to love me, just like i continued to love him, in his own way. in my own way. It is for this that i never say any mean things about him. Why i can never hate him, or call him a jerk.
He gave me the support i needed when i needed it. (Not that there wasn’t any other person to, because there were. But it was him I needed. Ans he understood this. without expectations, promises, questions or ‘…’
This is what i want to be able to give you blank . I want you to
know that I love you. and to understand what that means to me.
To know that I will
always be there for you no matter what. No matter what become of us.
I want you to know that I like you very much and I love you deeply. I
want you to know that I am who I am. and sometimes it is a very good
thing but not always.
I also want you to be able to understand that you cannot keep
yourself for me. Hold yourself for me, not do
somethings because of me (and i am entirely grateful and touched that you do).
I want you to do all these things for yourself, because of yourself.
I know that you love me greatly and that you would never do anything
to hurt me. I know that you believe in me, in us. I know how much
this means to you. But I also know that you will try understand this
Thats all for now. Bye. have a great time in New York. Tell me everything about it.
Ps: tell me about newyork and how its going. Everything about Newyork.
[ Editor’s Note :
the text below was originally there- after the sign offs- without explanation or sense of continuity. the editor thought it best not to move it]
It was that I finally came to the realisation that maybe that might
not be in line for me. Having a man and keeping him. Having a great
love life and seeing forever, might just not be in line for me.
This is mainly why I cried. It is why i
still cry. This is why I thought out loud to you that I am tired of broken hearts looking back
at me whenever i meet the people i used to date.
I date great guys. guys who love me and care about me deeply. Guys who are
ready to stand my deficiencies and inefficiencies. I have never
felt used or abused by these men.
Yet every time, always, it
ends with me saying, sorry I dont think this can go on anymore.
Something always comes up. Maybe i am busy with my work. Or my
(very personal)life is going down hill, maybe I am just feeling
depressed and sorry for myself and don’t want to be with anyone at the
I have issues. lots of issues. many of them have nothing to do with
being what we talked about on our first meeting. I continue to feel that I am not
good enough (relationship-wise) and that no body should spend their
time, emotions and brain space with me. (I have always said the only
thing am good at is being lonely, sad and depressed). I have been
told that am good enough and that i am worth all that, sometimes I
believe it. But only for a while…
You make me believe that I am. That I am good for you and worth your
time and energy. I believe you. I believe I can make you happy, help
But still I am this girl. I am not sure of what it is
that I seek in relationships. What I should be seeking, working towards, holding on to/for.
I have never really had a relationship.
Not even the primary relationships. never with a sibling or a parent.
I dont know
how to relate. And whenever i try, i complicate everything. I claim
boredom, or its too serious or ‘ i dont know..