Currently, this is what i am listening to. this is my cry with music. Cry to, cry of……
The most terrible thing however is that i have to beg for this music…. down on my knees, i beg D. Please lend me your phone, okay the Ipod, okay your computer. Now it hits me; I am begging to cry. I want to cry but i cant just on my own… and this means, i have to cry as i work consindering that D ‘lives’ at my work place.
I watched, for the first time, The Pursuit of Happyness last saturday. Well, its not exactly what everyone made me imagine it was… Cold Mountainish. I liked it, kept wondering whether Will Smith insists on the running parts… does he demand that his agent finds him only those movies where he has to run, and run and run…
I fell in love with the ending, it made me think, and feel guilty, about how i havent taken time off to be happy. I havent taken time off to celebrate, to just say wow! I got it. i pursude it and got it. I havent gone back to the gentleman at the embassy, who, despite protocol helped get a passport- non Ugandan. every day, i am busy with this, and with that and i promise- to myself – that i will go over the following day. But i never do. Now that i have written abt it, i hope do.
I havent taken time off to celebrate the fact that the guys in Venice Treviso, re-adjusted my contract and term, and moved from March 9th, the date that i and everybody else was supposed to be there to May 5th, so that i have the time to prepare. So that i have the time to run around, cross borders, get this and that document and finally have proper documents.
I havent taken off time to feel the happiness that the study Visa (should have) brought me. The people at the Italian Embassy were wonderful, they even helped me with the flight booking, and gave me a little briefing about the italians- general perceptions.
I havent taken time off to be happy at all.
When am not worrying about how broke this whole thing is leaving me, i wondering what i am going to do with my hair, or my nails. Other times am just stone cold scared, scared of being on my own for the first time in my entire life (i didnt even go to boarding school) and this is in a country where the people dont speak any one of the many languages i boost to know.
But many times, i am unhappy. I am unhappily detoxing, trying to emotionally disconnect myself from him. I know am going away, and i also know that going away with him is more dangerous than it might sound here. It is self destructing even now… i am no good carrying him around in my thoughts, within my ” I love him, even when i wish i didnt” veins.
I have tried, i have tried to wake in the morning when i have forgotten about him, everything about him… his charm, his smoothness (in the way he acts- just so we are clear), he is fun side, his dihonestly honest self… and sometimes i achieve. I forget him, forget about him. until he calls and just takes me back where i – in my mind- had gone away from.
But when did i become like this; when did become the girl who gets involved with guys like him? My strength, -and even the guys i have dated (prior to him) know and dislike this about me-, my strength is that i am always in control of my relationships. I know that the biggest gift bestowed to us as humans is the gift of choice. So i choose. I choose who to relate with, how to relate. When to make it work and when to work my way out of it.
I choose to feel the pain, to feel crushed, when the relationship is concluded, because i understand these emotions better. And i know that it is healthy for me to feel this way.
But some how, without choosing to, i let him ‘ take the wheel’. I allowed him to take control over me, even when he acts like he isnt, and would rather i run this thing, i just… let him. Maybe i wanted to be taken care of for once, maybe i am at the stage of my life where i want to just chill, losen up abit and let the guy lead. Maybe that is what happens when as a child you are a paranoid control freak… u grow to become a total….”oh, am the victim. he knew, i didnt know. i dont know what to do now. look at me. i love him. i wish a didnt”. What the fack happened to me.
Okay seriously. And i have changed so much. switched my life around, thrown out some of the things i treasured so dearly. Even when two of my aunties, and even Tumwi, assured me that this is only a growing pain. Officially i hate growing pains, especially these which come labelled as Life’s pleasures.
D says he is not excatly the person am trying to make of him; he is not a good man. that is not what good men do, that is not what people who claim to ‘love you’ do. she says. Yeah. I guess. But right now, i dont want to see him that way…. I started this argument at the end of January. and hoped that i would be with D, seeing from her point of view by now. But instead, i go out for movies with him, for a Black Ice, for an evening out. We play friends who love each other but arent together… because i said i cant go on with him. I talk to him, he talks to me, about everything else but ‘us’. And by the time i leave, back to my home, i am un happy. I am hating myself for this stupid little act am carrying on with. What excatly is it that i am doing. who excatly am i playing but myself.
So i am detoxing… i have been detoxing for the last three months…. I need to move on. I need to find myself again, i know am there somewhere. And i need to take time off and be happy for myself. Even if I am pennyless right now.