(like phatom’s latest post)
I when i started doing this; blogging; it wasnt because every one was doing it. Because not everyone was… at least not those i know. They were taking pictures, as many as possible to post on facebook.
I opened this blog, mainly because i wanted to get away from my diaries. they were becoming too many, i was running out of space. I needed to let me self out, to my self. I couldnt continue seeing my therapist. i had actually stopped seeing this therapist like nine months prior. I had also stopped seeing the boyfriend, who poor guy, had taken on the un-official role of best friend, confidante, and i-dont-know, Best boyfriend in the world i gues.
I had gone over to his place… no. wait. i called him up, told him we needed to talk. those things. we met, and I told him i that i couldnt see him anymore. I just couldnt do it. i didnt feel like being in a relationship anymore. He was great. and i meant this, i still do. He was for real. one of his kind. We had been together for almost three years. That is three years with me. Not some easy something being in a relationship with some one like me. And he had done it. ready to do more. more time with me.
I broke his heart. i broke my heart. in a huge way- my heart.
So i had to find something, other than my work, other than Rouge(then), other than my cousins Jason, Zoe and Liz.
Country Boy i introduced me to blogger. i became a fan. of Iwaya’s, of Pea, of Baz, of blogger.
Then one day it came to me. in a big way. I could open my own blog; fill it in with all the crap that was currently going on in my head. it would be my let out. it would b my new diary. I would open it under an alias. no one would know who i am. so i could write anything, anything at all.
But i couldnt do it. i couldnt use a fake name. if i was to use this as an out let of my frustrations, fears, happiness, hope and dreams; i had to do it without hiding behind anyone. or anything. Something i picked from one of my therapy sessions (they help btw. but only when ur ready to b helped. and many times, people who for therapy arent ready. It was great for me, got me on the road to seek for ways of helping myself).
I opened it up. with my real names. I called it Little Jars. because i love the word little. i use it to mean small things. short things. tiny things. I love house hold items too- kitchen items especially. I have got to love something about the kitchen, after all, the kitchen is a big part of my life yada, yada, yada. Hence the name little Jars. I chose that template because it’s more like me. many people (none bloggers) think i actually came up with it. because that girl looks excatly like me. with a wig on.
I was supposed to use this blog to help myself. but, again. i couldnt. i wasnt ready. i couldnt use it to replace my diaries. to substitute for my therapist- who i dumped because just when we’d started making progress, he asked me out. i said yes. we went out. he kissed me, i kissed him back. and i dumped him there after- as my therapist and doctor. That code of coduct is there for a reason if you think about it.
But now i think am ready. i am ready to use this blog to help myself. to self indulge. self uncover.