she told me her life story just yesterday.
Said she is an only child, in a family of six (You go figure).
Says she has never lost her virginity, because she never was a virgin.
And then i wondered; what’s the pain about, that which she constantly speaks of whenever she joins in on a conversation involving the act of sex.
I have watched her. Her whole body shrinks, she
as if develops a chill and her voice twitches- whenever it a conversation involving sex and sexual activity.
She told me her secret too.
Said it is no secret anymore since more than me know now. Said i can tell all if i choose to. said she is tired of keeping it, asking people to keep it- she is simply tired of making it “her secret, her dark shameful secret.”
“Why should I feel this pain, why should i put my life on hold.
He’s isnt. I have no idea whether he spends nights crying his eyes out. whether it all comes back to him, the moment he is touched. Why am I ashamed. why do i take the blame. why should I,” she said, asking more questions than i was ready to answer… not that she needed an answer.
Although, in restrospect, I should have told to chant “It Was Not My Fault, It Was Not My Fault……”
She also told me about the man she loves, the man who loves her and that man, she knows (from deep with in her) that they have no chance.
This confused me a little. she loves him, he loves her; they want to be together… so what is the big deal.
But she wont say. ‘says its too complicated. I didnt want to push it. I have learnt not to push her kind.
Her face light up though, when she started to go on about the people at her work place, the boys she plays with, the girls she likes. ” said there is nothing better than being around people you like and respect, and can be able to be silly and serious whenever it’s called for.
Her siblings live far and apart.
Again, she reminds me, she is an only child.
Her mother was her mother, then her grandmother and now her big sister. She is very lucky, she says; “not every one gets to have that many mummys.”
she hopes to change lives when she grows up- her life especially.
She prays to leave a mark on the world; “when i die, i would like people to NOTICE that i have passed away,” she says.
She does not know what the future holds. ‘cant say whether she will one day get married and have children. Says that is all up to fate; ” it takes the fun out life, to have your future mapped out,” she tells.
By the time we were done, by the time she was through telling me her life story, I understood her. I even I told her that I ‘get her’.
But i dont, no. I dont think i want to. Although what i know for sure is that i love her and i believe in her, who wouldnt?!.
“…THIS IS A GOOD LIFE TO GET TO LIVE” Drew Barrymore