Call Me a Post Man

Give me a room; artificially darkened, one huge projector screen placed at the front, set the surround sound system just perfectly, and let some of my favorite movies play back to back♣

Movies, some which, I have maybe never watched but the stories they peddle still leave me soaked in tears.

Movies like Cold MountainBrokeback Mountain, Gone with the Wind, Pursuit of Happyness and The Italian Job (the original one).

And after watching all these, I shall have an hour’s break (secret smile); make myself coffee and French toast as I listen to Corinne Bailey Rae (I really need hers and Joss Stones CDs) or better yet, a mixture of The Corrs, Whitney Houston, some Tupac &Eminem, India Arie and Common 

With a couple of chocolate bars in hand (I can do with some flab, anything to hold onto as I have my meltdowns), a kanga to cover me with,-I shall walk back to my favorite spot of the day/night and I set myself up again for another marathon… this time, I’ll make it as light as the coffee I had been drinking.

Back to back, I will enjoy The Graduate like I have not watched it four times before,  laugh harder this timethrough Sunset Boulevard (I highly recommend).

And then maybe I can pick that Mind Your language from where I left it two weeks ago. But what’s a personal movie fest without The Sound of Music (?).

 In fact i shall start with that.

 But in the meantime, I sit unconfortably; shifting in this chair, moving from place to place (in my mind), reliving moments am trying so hard to hold on to and constantly losing track of time, track of my audience. And hoping that my goodreads patner brings that “all consuming” book she promised.

 I need something to take me with it.  I need to read some one else’s pain, i need to feel sorry for another person, even a socially unaccepted person,i need to feel their pain. Lord Voldermont (yes, u can say his name here) am ready to hear your struggle, i have heard most there is of Harry Porter’s, now i need to listen to your  side of the story, feel your pain too. Your struggle to fit in,to be accepted…

I need to get out of me for once.  I need to stop these tears that well up in my head only to stop within my eyes because i dont have the physical energy to shed them.

I need to scream- so loud and so hard-  only am not sure about what or why.

She’s gone.

Gone without me ever telling her how much i love her.  how  greatful I am that it is she that raised me…

how i never, even once felt orphaned (seriously) because she was there, always.  I could call her mummy, because she was mummy…she got me really pissed sometimes, and so did I her.

But never once did i hate her, and I know she never did hate me. Even when, after so many years of intense training, she was still being told that i cant come up with a decent meal (kids do disappoint parents). 

She made me who i am and if i wasnt too sturbon, i would have been so much better because that’s how she raised me… to be the best.

Now i talk to myself about her, i talk to people about her ( i always have – to whoever cared to listen) and never once to her.

I am confused; we are all confused… where is my mummy, where is grandma♥.

Is this what it should feel like, what it should be?! To have no one you can call in a fake angry tone asking why they couldnt remember that ‘today’ was my birthday?

She encouraged me to read (while complaining about the late night light in my room), she and grandad listened to my poetry since i was  13 up until i started dating,and that was very many years (with me, boys and poetry didnt mix).

I could go on, talk about her love for television soaps, movies (some listed above) and music – Tina Turner, The Supremes… you get the mix

oh by the way, she and God were tight… in a good christian kind of way

and now i have to get the hang of the past tense thingy

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. The Phantom says:

    Intense. The pain is palpable.I am sure that Mummy lived a full life with all the love you seem to have given her. It is good that you made it clear that you loved her to bits and that, regardless of the pain of the last days, was worth all the time she’s spent here. You have to try to emulate the good that made her special. That is what she would want for you to do. Keep those memories close to you.

  2. antipop says:

    hey
    i can tot relate to the loss of a loved one
    nothing ever fills that void
    not even the chocolate bars, the movies or the CDs
    and that is a gd thing
    for if you forgot about them, or petend it never happened, it would mean you dd not truly care
    and wd forget the good time u went thru together
    i was horrified last week when i realised my dad’s 8th anniversary had passed
    without me remembering
    i felt like i had betrayed him.
    i felt ungrateful
    and yet i loved him so
    i should be writing this on my blog right?

  3. Joshi says:

    u like original movies?corinne bailey rae?india and common as well?tupac?ur kiddin right?dont be kiddin..coz we have similar tastes..

  4. duksey says:

    I feel you gal, I never got to meet her but still feel that I really missed that moment from all you said about her.I would have probably learnt those hot tips you said she gave on your behalf.
    I pray the pain fades away so you simply rejoice in the memories.
    @joshi;similiar tastes huh!

  5. mphoebe says:

    okay, thanks guys.
    @ Phatom;i will indeed work on being the lady i have shunned.
    @antipop; i didnt know you for being kind, so this is really sweet. Oh and and about dad, yea, put some’ on your blog.
    @joshi;i am thinking i have been paying too much attention to Iwaya
    and all this time…

    any how, i am okay now. like right now. i feel normal-ish

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