This is for the things and the people I adore and have always thought (still do) that my life would never have been as fabulous as it truly is. 

This is for me; for all the great love I hold for myself- yeah, am so full of it I know. And I have every right to be. 

But first, this:

I have been away, for four days, planning my funeral. Some how, it didn’t get together. I just couldn’t get the picture right.

For starters, my entire family, (those I know about) are scattered around the world. And I know the world is such a big place, but still… No one lives in the village where I should be laid to rest (whatever gave us the idea that it is “resting”- with all these spirits free flying around, or doing whatever spirits do), so that might mean that I will have a rushed funeral with about 4 people I know and love around. The people I have loved and have love me  will just send text messages (imagine that!).

So while I was planning, I saw the inconvenience that  my funeral would be causing, especially considering that this is mid year, and people have responsibilities; they have work, families,financial situations…     

                                                                                                                                                                               I didn’t then decide not die. I just gave up planning, coz if I had my way, I would be cremated. Better that than suffocate in some shined wooden box and be fixed beneath the ground… geez, don’t people have any respect for the dead?! 

See, I can pretend that this here is a monologue. But I know  some one is going to read it and they will be totally freaked out. Why? Because we don’t talk about death, dying and funerals like this. We don’t plan as we would weddings or get togethers.

But see, I have planned my weddings, all kinds. And there is no use to go on planning my forth-coming birthday parties and yet have nothing planned for my funeral.

It just aint practical. Just like how very impractical it is to blurt out how many children I plan on having without ever taking a fertility test to confirm whether I can have children in the first place*@&$%*.  

So back to where I started, seeing as I can’t go on with my funeral plans, I should give my final speech. That one I can’t plan on when to give it so I might just as well do it now.

First I would like to thank the supreme power that made sure that I should be apart of this era. What is not to love here?

I totally appreciate the fact that here I am, as one of those people who have the freedom to do anything, anything whatsoever, without even exerting that much brain or physical energy.

Heck we can run the world, ruin lives, do whatever … on remote control (!!!!) sweet.  

I truly feel blessed that am one of this generation where its cool to have careless, casual and non-committal sex with toys, same sex friends, strangers, older men/women, the television, imagination and whichever other way we so please, so long as it is legal, consensual and if nobody gets hurt.

Dude, sex sells everything and I openly celebrate that. I celebrate the people who choose not to have it all  as well,  coz that’s hot.

More on the part of feeling blessed, I am really grateful that I have been  apart of this generation where its cool to be a badass, a miss-fit in society or just a plain, down right loser. 

Who knew that smoking ganja would be as off the hook cool as it is steadily becoming today.

Who even believed that the ghetto is seriously a  great place to raise your kids if you hope for them to make something out of themselves in the future.

Who would have seen this future where prostitutes are not just cheap sluts (am i making sense with that) but a potential cash cow to this country’s economy. Who knew that one day they would be subject to debate in our parliament where morals and ethics come before…

And that the debate will be pro-prostitution, with the all those  big guys praying to legalise it- because sex sells, and we would rather make our own money, whichever way, instead of beg.

Again, am really glad to have been here, when I was; right now, in the era where HIV/Aids is simply a turn on – as exciting as it is deadly.

Where pretty little beings would rather risk death in the midst of some down town abortion than use a condom; where using a condom is only a sign of “we have just met,  so just be in there until the third round and then, we can hump like life-partners do”.

What a great life this is. 

Secondly, I am totally, absolutely, grateful to all the guys who have toyed with the idea of loving me, those who have lusted after me and even those who just wanted me for just- to see if they could, to prove something to themselves.

I might not have loved you back, lusted after you at all or even ever wanted to be with at the slightest excuse, but still, I was touched by the love, flattered by the sexual intentions you had for me, and now I thank you- genuinely.  It could have been worse.

Finally, I thank the parents who gave me this chance, to be here and have all that I have. To be able to enjoy music, obsess over television and fall in love with the men and women who write great television series, the people who direct them and always envy every one who has experienced the things I only dream of… like the sheer joy of being drunk and losing yourself to alcohol. 

 I am grateful that it is only by parents, who i dont excatly know anything about (Dad?) that I came forth.

 Maybe they planned to have me, maybe they didn’t, but I came along and am proof enough that they did do what they did even when my mother would like me to believe that nothing happened.

Seriously mum, you surely should have known that one day, I would be curious.


6 Comments Add yours

  1. antipop says:

    you are seriously demented. and paranoid. and skeptical. and… illiterate? i love the one abt sex wit the tv. where exactly do u fix it?
    help pliz.

  2. Iwaya says:

    You didn’t hand in that work assignment on time, didja?

  3. The Phantom says:

    Visions of Bridget Jones. Sure you are not running a high fever?

  4. tumwijuke says:

    I like reading your posts. Come back.

  5. Phoebe says:

    If i were a different
    person,i would now be feeling crapy
    about this post.
    But i aint coz,seriously,i did plan my funeral
    I had been sic,and i imagined if i die,how my funeral
    would be like… and you all so what i came up with.
    I had no idea that i was seeing the near future,only not my own.
    Iwaya-it wasnt a delayed assignement,
    The Phantom,i take the compliment and Antipop- I am Illiterate.
    Ug-n.Isomnia, ilike your area, thanks for always coming over.

    i gues am back. maybe

  6. helluva says:

    I read and love your blog when I get what you are saying. I aint the brainy type. I mean I even love Capital FM. Meet me at

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